STOP!

I'm Sarah. I've learnt alot since my baby daughter was born. I'm stronger than I look, I'm smart and I'm a good mom. I can also go weeks without sleep :) Over the last few years I've been played and now is my time to show those people how wrong they were. I wont be hidden away and be made to feel like a secret. This is a new start. I will never be second best again. No one puts me in the corner.

Baby

My beautiful baby xx

Scarlett Tuesday

The baby blues are present and correct but then moments like these make them all disappear
Love mummy Sarah xx

So ....

I hate writing these things when Im depressed but sometimes I just need to... see it and say it without hurting people.

What have I done so wrong for you to hide me away?

Am I such a bad person? Am I so ugly? Do I not speak in the correct manner?

I know I'm different. My checkered past is nothing to be proud of and yes I'm trying my damned hardest to change that but what else can I do?

I've changed who I am for the better, for you.

What hurts me the most is that your little girl is going to get shunned away with me. She hasnt even seen the light of day yet and the one person protecting her is the person who has done this to her, it's all my fault.

Maybe if I had been... different things would be different?

I just want to feel apart of you, the same way you will always be apart of me.

I'd like to meet those people who mean the most to you. Those ones who can tell me stories like the ones dad tells to you. I want them to see our daughter, our scarlett, my mirical and the only other thing that can make everything disappear.

I love you, I've only ever wanted to be a part of you.

I just dont know how much longer I can hide in the shadows.
I'm sorry.

All my love and best wishes.

Sarah x

Love In Slow Motion

Rythym pulsed through my viens as hot as the blood that flowed through there. My heart became in sync with the beat, head light and arms high. Everyone united in one moment and time seemed to slow down, the fast pounding seemed to become a heavy thud inside my body and in one single second I knew what love is ment to feel like. When the motion slows down and the crowd surrounding you becomes a blur. Just like those moments in the movies, the cliche that becomes.

Now I realise I know what love is and for every single moment I thought I have been in that place I know I lied to myself.

It truely is what I was thought I would be. Passion. Lust. Random. Constructed. Simple. Pure. Like ten fingers hitting ivory notes and your heart playing the strings of the orchestra. Every emotion rushing to the surface and exploding from your lungs in one deaf difying scream. One touch making you fall like the empires of past, burning every last piece of the cities like your heart. Thats true love. Pure love. The love we all wish for. I know what is is and know I just have to find the one that will last forever not just for forty minutes of the performance. Maybe my heart is spoiled but I will never give up hope on finding that. And if I don't? I'll spend the rest of my exsistance watching and living for forty minutes. Everytime that band rolls though town and through my heart.

But for know, at this very moment, I can be happy in the knowlegde I have loved and lost and that pure love I can pick up the pieces from. I know I can pick myself back up and love again.

Loves. Drug.

When did love become a narcotic? It's like our perfect drug, the one we strive for. It doesn't matter who we are we all live for that moment. The one where our hearts swell to the point where you want it to burst out your chest so the pain of perfect pleasure will stop. Shakespeare wrote true "If music be the food of love, play on; give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die...".

We all have those moments, weather it be that one song and the piano seems so in sync with your heart you just will for it to play louder and deeper so that when it ends your left broken and empty that you know it was worth the price, you know you will be able to pick your self up again. Or it could be the image of your love that will be entapped in your minds eye for all eternity, almost blinding you with love and passion. It could be the simple smile of a friend, the one you know will be there till the end; through tears and smiles. We all have those moments and if they are returned then we are lucky.

But what about the few of us who give, the dealer who gets nothing? No profit just the sentence when they are caught out. We wait in silent plea, we give those smiles, we sore with the chords but then are left broken. Unable to pick ourselves up but carry on, crawling amoung the needles used to kill us. We feel wrong, misplaced...misused. Like theres a part missing, as if we are a beacon crying out and then don't recieve any answers. People will use us for our loyalty, compassion and then sentence us to guilt for allowing them to find out.

"He is armed without who is innocent within, be this thy screen, and this thy wall of brass."